


Six Ships in the Neitherlands

by somegoldcanstay



Category: The Magicians (TV), The Magicians - Lev Grossman
Genre: Crack Crossover, Crossover, Established Relationship, F/M, M/M, Multi, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-07 06:10:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19203484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somegoldcanstay/pseuds/somegoldcanstay
Summary: Eliot and Quentin go to couples therapy and meet some interesting people.





	Six Ships in the Neitherlands

**Six Ships in the Neitherlands**

I.

 

Han Solo was way hotter than Quentin Coldwater had expected originally, and was arguing with Lando Calrissian, a man so charming he could give Eliot a run for his money.

Eliot sat beside Quentin on the couch. This whole couples therapy thing was forced upon them by Henry Fogg, who insisted it would help. Fogg had said he had a friend who ran a couples therapy session in the back of the Neitherlands library, but Quentin had not expected it to be intergalactic-- or for there to be couples from so many places he thought of as, essentially, stories for nerds like him.

Han was flustered by Lando, and both looked ready to absolutely devour the other.

"Stop staring at them, Quentin," Eliot whispered. Quentin blushed. That was really hard to do. For one thing, they were _them,_ but for another, they were both wearing _vests,_ which… just… his brain was in disarray.

Across the room was the Boy Who Lived with his hand entwined with a pretty ginger. She was smiling at him. _Ginny Weasley! I need to get her autograph for Julia._

"I'm really nervous, Ginny," he said.

"You fought Voldemort. I think we're going to be ok."

The room was circular and had several couches arranged for couples to sit together. Han and Lando spread out on the one nearest them, and Han now had his legs across Lando.

Quentin wondered, _why are they even in therapy?_ None of the couples seemed to be having any real problems. He and Eliot were having a big disagreement, but he supposed that wouldn’t be obvious at first glance, either.

Other recognizable couples showed up: Guinevere, Merlin, and King Arthur. _Holy shit!_ Were they polyamorous? Quentin was eager to see who else was arriving.

Renly and Loras, holding hands. They sat on the far end of the couch that Quentin and Eliot occupied. Loras gave Eliot a once-over.

A surprising couple who looked like they really didn't belong: Uhura and Spock. Quentin was pretty sure he was digging his nails into Eliot's thighs, out of excitement.

"Every person from your nerd boy fantasies is here, aren't they?"

The double doors--which Quentin didn't know the room had--flew open and _fucking_ Aragorn the king of Gondor walked in with Legolas.

Quentin was pretty sure he’d stepped into a time machine back to high school and his fifteen-year-old fantasy. He was waiting for Ripley from _Aliens_ to show up.

"Greetings. I am sure someone very close to you has recommended you attend this," Aragorn began. Quentin sighed. His voice was not disappointing.

"I bet you a blow job they're doing it," Eliot said softly. 

"No way. He's totally faithful to Arwen," said Quentin. 

"I'll take that bet," said Renly, in Eliot's direction.

"Me too," said Lando, winking at Quentin, which made him turn a little red.

"Fine. But you're still wrong."

"We'll see when you're on your knees," Eliot joked. 

The whole thing started off with Spock and Lieutenant Uhura going first. She wasn't in her Starfleet uniform, which was disappointing. She had her hair down, and she looked lovely.

"Spock doesn't want me to help him get through Pon Farr,” Uhura explained. “but he has to mate or he’ll become beast-like and murderous, and he could die.”

"Imagine your life as a real-life fuck, marry, kill," Eliot joked, quietly. "Where is Margo, she would love this?"

"She'd never hold it together," said Quentin.

"Spock, why don't you want Uhura to participate in this with you?" Aragorn asked.

"It is a very violent custom,” Spock replied, evenly. “I am uncertain her human body would be able to handle the stress. There are too many variables at play for me to risk her health. 

"I can handle it, Spock. Please."

"Nyota," Spock began. He used her first name. Quentin looked at Eliot. He really seemed invested in the couple.  Maybe it was because they spent two weeks watching Star Trek, though Eliot would never admit he actually liked it. Quentin squeezed his hand. "I hold you in the highest regard. You mistake me not choosing you for an insult, when that could not be farther from the truth. I respect and admire you. Jeopardizing your health and all of your achievements would pain me as much as it would you. I am fearful I cannot take that chance." 

It was sort of sweet. Quentin watched her features soften.

Aragorn moved on to the next couple, which just so happened to be Arthur, Guinevere, and Merlin. _Again? Polyamorous?_  

"Arthur doesn't allow magic in Camelot," Guinevere began. 

Quentin looked at Eliot and they cringed. He could see Harry and Ginny hiding their wands discreetly.They shared the same look Quentin and Eliot did. 

"How does this affect your relationship?" Legolas asked. _Is he offended? He's a magical creature. He is basically made of magic._

"Oh no. Not my relationship with Arthur. It puts a strain on _their_ relationship," she said pointing at both of them. She was in the middle of the two men; neither would look at the other.  

"Arthur is a dollophead who wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me. I can't tell you how many times I had to save his fat arse from certain death," said Merlin.

"Shut up, Merlin." 

"See, he can't even say thank you after all these years."

Quentin stared at King _fucking_ Arthur. _King Arthur of legend. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit._ Excalibur was clipped to his hip and Quentin was flipping his shit. Fanboy mode was activated and Eliot basically had to hold him back from hugging the king of Camelot.

"I am not fat. When we get back to Camelot I am locking you in the stocks." 

"Clotpole." 

"Did he call him a clotpole?" Loras asked.

"I would have called him a cunt," Renly said. 

"I would have called him a medic," whispered Lando, and Quentin saw the corners of Eliot's mouth form a smile.

Aragorn and Legolas decided to pass them and come back later. Harry and Ginny were next.

"I am pregnant," Ginny announced.

"Congratulations," said everyone collectively.

"Harry wants to name our children after our teachers. One of them lied to Harry and put him in danger constantly, and the other bullied children for no reason."

"Is this your first child?" Legolas asked.

Ginny shook her head. Everyone was staring at her. _She's so pretty._

"We have a son at home," Harry said. 

"What's his name?" Aragorn asked.

"James Sirius Potter."

"Why is he serious?" Merlin asked.

"Yeah. I am serious," said Han.

"Is your name James Sirius?" Renly asked Quentin.

"I hope it's serious, that's what I've been going by for twenty-seven years," Quentin replied. 

"I hate all of you," Harry said.

The entire room was laughing hysterically. Quentin leaned into Eliot to feel his body shaking.

Next, it was Renly and Loras's turn to speak. Renly cleared his throat. He sat up straight. "Loras keeps trying to get me to run away with him, but I want to be king someday."

"We _belong_ together, Renly." Loras grabbed Renly's hand and kissed the back of it before sitting down in his lap.

Eliot elbowed Quentin. Quentin didn't understand, at first, why Eliot was nudging him.

"Quentin might have an opinion about that, Renly," said Eliot. _Oh yeah,_ _I could save them. That's why we're here, right?_

"Uh, you really should run away with him,” Quentin urged. “It might just save your life." 

"I'm not sure what you mean. Quentin, was it?" 

"Just run away with him. Go forth and fuck and be free."

"Just be with me," Loras begged. "Just drop your responsibility and come away with me."

"Where would we go?"

"I have some ideas about that,” said Eliot. “See me after."

Aragorn hadn't spoken in a while. He mostly looked ready to run from the room screaming. Legolas was passing out informational pamphlets that were eerily related to everyone's problems. Quentin wondered if they were enchanted.

"Ok, I guess that means Han and I are next," said Lando, interrupting Renly, whom Quentin had forgotten was even talking.

He looked at the beautiful man with his arm around Han, who looked grumpy.

"I hate you," Han said in a grumble voice.

"I know, baby."

"Han, what brings you two here today?" Aragorn asked.

Lando answered instead. "I want a real relationship, but Han is more a fan of secrecy. I have no idea why."

"Everything is fine the way it is."

"No it's not,” said Lando. “I want to be with you openly. What are you afraid of?"

"Yes, what are you afraid of?" Arthur asked.

"Nothing. I have a reputation as a scoundrel to uphold. I can't be tied down."

"I have a reputation too, Han. I am a respectable businessman, but that won't change if I’m with you. Or if it does, I don't care. Who cares what people think?"

Han was trying so hard to put up a front that he wasn't that interested, meanwhile his entire body was betraying him, from his staggered breathing when Lando tucked a strand of hair behind his ear to how tightly he was clenching his fists, as if trying to stop himself from stroking Lando's face.

"The tone of your voice indicates that you are rejecting Mr. Calrissian's advances, yet your body has a physical reaction to his touch. Your breathing is faster and your eyes shift to that spot just below his chin. Mr. Solo, it would appear you are not as disinclined as you seem."

"You can read that from HIS body language, can you?" Uhura asked, crossing her arms and turning away from him.

Quentin, meanwhile, was lost in a sea of vests. He couldn't help but notice Han's vest. He had never considered them sexy until Eliot, but the way Han wore his open was so careless and alluring that Quentin almost failed to notice that Lando and Han were arguing with Spock and Uhura. Lando’s vest was just like Han’s, but his collar was buttoned differently, with a tie… _is it a uniform, or are they wearing each other’s clothes?_ Either way, this was very hot.

Renly and Loras had on vests too: theirs were more medieval looking, but beautiful. Loras' was gold and covered in roses, while Renly wore royal blue with a few ripples at the shoulders. The vests hugged the men’s chests. Quentin fidgeted a little at how open Loras' vest was, and the loose curls dancing against his face. _Pretty. Wow. Um._ He looked at Eliot, with his vest buttoned all the way up. But he _loved_ that. This was so confusing.

"Settle down," Aragorn said. Quentin jumped, and then realized Aragorn wasn’t talking to him.

A very red-faced Han stood up, looked like he was considering bolting, and then sat back down, refusing to make eye contact.

It was their turn. Quentin was reminded how much smaller he was than Eliot when Eliot adjusted himself and scooted away from Quentin a little. "Sorry. I'm a little hot."

Quentin felt that if Eliot needed some space away from him, he was more than happy to give it to him.

"Quentin wants a small quiet wedding and I want a large extravaganza,” said Eliot.

"That's what you're fighting about?" Aragorn asked. Legolas was rubbing Aragorn's temples absentmindedly.

"Well yeah, it's important to us. We want to spend our lives together. We need the ceremony to commemorate the occasion to be epic," Eliot said.

"Why can't it just be close personal friends, Eliot? So I’ll be, you know, _comfortable_ at my own wedding?" 

"Because it's my special day too, Quentin, and I want to invite all of Fillory and your mom's girlfriend, Julia's parents, Margo's parents, Todd, and everyone."

"You know I'm not ready for Fillory yet. We've talked about this."

"I think we should take a break," suggested Legolas.

Everyone flew out their seats. Quentin needed to step outside and stretch. He felt like he had been sitting for hours.

 

II.

 

Outside, Ginny... _Potter? Weasley? Potter-Weasley?_ approached Quentin, and he nearly knocked into Guinevere. _Shit._ He automatically checked his hair and breath. Ginny was prettier than he imagined, even though he never really was into redheads.

"I saw you and your fiance get a bit uncomfortable when King Arthur mentioned that magic is banned in Camelot. Are you a wizard? You must have gone to Ilvermorny. What house were you in?"

"Uh, Wampus," Quentin racked his brain for the American equivalent of Gryffindor. He remembered getting drunk with Julia and Googling their Ilvermorny houses.

"Do you want to prank King Arthur?"

"I heard pranking Arthur, I want in," said Merlin.

Quentin wondered why he wasn't old and wrinkly instead of young and sort of cute. 

"My brother George gave me some trick sweets." 

Quentin wished Josh was here to pass out his crazy weed and make everyone really stoned. He felt mean for tricking Arthur, but banning magic was awful. 

"Too bad Arthur is very blond and good looking," said Ginny.

"And that ass is sublime," said Lando flinging an arm around Quentin, "Hey, baby."

"He would be handsome if he weren't such a fat git," Merlin stated. "Give me the sweet. I can make sure he takes it."

Quentin could have stopped it. He should have, really. It was mean. Merlin scurried away toward Arthur and Guinevere, who were kissing tenderly in a corner.

"You have great hair. The asymmetrical cut looks good with your jawline."

There was so much sex appeal coming off Lando that Quentin wasn't sure if he could resist any longer.

"Han has good hair too," Quentin said.

"Sure. Hey, would you like to see the inside of the _Millennium Falcon_?"

"Yes, I would."

 _Holy shit._ Quentin was being offered the chance to be inside the actual _Millennium Falcon._

"Q, there you are," said Eliot. _Eliot. Right. Eliot is my fiance._ Quentin clung to him tightly and shook his head to get Lando out of it.

He was still staring at him suggestively, and Quentin felt his gravitational pull. Eliot was immune.

"Oh you're good," said Eliot. He extended his hand to Lando.

"Thank you."

Han manifested at Lando's side looking gloomier than he had all day. He took Lando's hand and they were the first back into the therapy room.

"Are you ok?" Eliot asked Quentin.

"He was going to show me the _Millennium Falcon_ , Eliot. I could have gone to actual space."

"Q," Eliot said.

Quentin could picture himself piloting the Falcon with Chewbacca at his side and Eliot on board as they flew across the galaxy smuggling shit and running from the remnants of the Empire.

Eliot was shaking him gently. He snapped his fingers in his face.

"What were you saying?"

"The only part of that spaceship that man was going to show you was his cockpit."

"Well, yeah, that's where you fly the ship."

"Q," Eliot said.

 

III.

 

They were dragged back for round two. Legolas waited for them to take their seats before he shut the door.

Aragorn motioned for Spock and Uhura to start off round two.

"Nyota," began Spock. He angled his body towards her, but didn't touch her. "You are aware of my past affection for Captain Kirk."

"Yes, we discussed our personal histories before entering into this relationship," she said.

"What you may not know is Doctor McCoy treated Jim for injuries sustained during Pon Farr."

Uhura reached out to touch Spock, which seemed to surprise the Vulcan, there was kindness and determination in her eyes,"I'm worried about you, Spock, especially the bit where you will be overcome with mating lust that must be satisfied or you die. I can't allow that to happen to you. How about a compromise? I let Doctor McCoy examine me. He can determine if I am capable of enduring this." 

"Nyota, if I were to successfully mate with you, you would be unable to perform your duties on board the Enterprise until the gestation cycle ended."

"Spock, I believe pregnant women are still fully capable of flying space crafts. As a communications expert, it won't be a problem, " Uhura grabbed his hand. Quentin looked for some physical or emotional  response from the Vulcan, but he was really, really good at placing logic over emotion. "I think we would have beautiful babies."

There was a small trace of a smile when Spock placed his other hand over hers.

"I am inclined to acquiesce on the conditions you stated, if you will agree to marry me."

When she looked into his eyes and said "yes", Eliot leaned over and kissed the side of Quentin's face. Quentin met his eyes. It was nice that one of the couples had their issue resolved.

Legolas offered them water and congratulations. Aragorn turned toward Arthur, Merlin, and Guinevere.

"I would like to say something," Harry Potter chimed  in. "Magic is not evil. My wife and I have magic. I spent my teen years fighting evil. I catch Dark Wizards for a living. Not everyone magic is inherently bad. We're not. I'm sure they're not," he pointed at Quentin and Eliot.

Arthur looked right at Quentin.

" _You_ have magic?"

Quentin did the fire spell, following through with the tuts, and Arthur looked like he had been clubbed over the head.

"See, Arthur, magic isn't bad," said Guinevere. "Make it legal. You can have Merlin back. Go on, Arthur, tell him how you feel."

Arthur cleared his throat. He stood up and paced a little. His red tunic was untied at the top, and he had taken off his sword. Quentin wished he could keep Excalibur. 

"Merlin, please come back to Camelot,” Arthur plead. “I will lift the magic ban. I am a useless sod without you. Come back." 

Merlin shot to his feet and hugged Arthur so tight it looked like they were trying to morph together. 

"Merlin," Legolas interrupted, "I think you should apologize for calling Arthur names and saying he was fat."

"He certainly isn't fat. What do you think, Eliot?" Renly asked.

"Fuckable," Eliot shrugged.

"I wouldn't kick him out of bed," said Lando.

"Enough," said Aragorn. "Arthur, did it hurt your feelings when Merlin said you were fat?"

"Yes, a little," Arthur didn't make eye contact.

"I am sorry, Arthur." Arthur cupped Merlin's face and kissed him.

"What about Gwen?" Merlin asked.

She smiled and nodded at the pair, Quentin noticed. _So yes on polyamory, I guess._ When they sat down, Merlin sat on Arthur's lap with Arthur hanging on to him. His other hand was clutching Guinevere’s.

Quentin leaned over and kissed Eliot on the cheek. He saw Loras glare at him before cuddling with Renly.

Harry and Ginny were next. Ginny was angled in a way that said she was ready to be heard.

"Harry, I love you so much. I love our son James and I want to have loads more children with you, so I think we can compromise on this."

"How?"

"We should draw names from a hat,” she said. “You put in Albus and Severus, and I’ll put in Fred, and Arthur, after my father."

King Arthur cut in. “Your father is named Arthur? How can this be? I am the only Arthur in all of Britain.” 

Ginny and Harry stammered awkwardly. Harry tried: “It’s um, a lot of people are named after… you know what, don’t worry about it. Probably just a coincidence.”

Harry continued. “So, names in a hat? As in the Sorting Hat?"

"Not that hat in particular, but a hat, yes."

"So no matter what the hat says, that's what we name him?" 

"Do not enchant the hat to choose your name over mine or I'll throw you in Azkaban," Ginny said.

"I am the Dark Wizard catcher here. You can't throw people in Azkaban." 

"Do you really want to try me?"

"No," Harry said. He took his wife's hand and kissed it. Ginny leaned over and kissed him. Their kissing got a little too personal, and Quentin couldn't watch anymore.

Aragorn cleared his throat and they stopped.

"Arthur," said Ginny, "If you still have that sweet, I recommend you toss it."

Renly and Loras were bickering before Aragorn asked them a question, which Quentin didn't catch, but he did notice that Aragorn caressed Legolas's thigh as he walked past him. They were very distracting. Then Legolas got involved in the conversation.

"Why don't you like his family, Loras?" Legolas asked.

"His brother Stannis is as cuddly as a lobster,” said Loras, sounding bitter.

Then Eliot said, "I don't like my family either. My father always treated me terribly because I like men. So when I got a chance, I left home and formed a new family," said Eliot. He looked at Quentin. "Family can be found."

Renly leaned over to their end of the couch and touched Eliot's cheek.

"Well spoken. We can't marry, Loras, but I don't see why we can't live together."

"Let's run off to this Fillory place Eliot mentioned. It sounds nice there."

"You _could_ marry there," Quentin spoke up.

"If we do, you're invited," said Renly, with a warm smile.

There was some bickering coming from Han and Lando, now.

"Han, baby, hear me out," Lando was getting louder. Han was standing up, facing away from Lando.

"What is Leia going to say?"

"She would probably tell you to stop being so fussy. Is that it? Is that what you want? Leia's approval? We can get it."

"I don't need anyone's approval! I just don't want to hurt her. She doesn't deserve that kind of betrayal."

Lando wrapped his arms around Han from behind and kissed his neck. _Mmm...hot._ The pair of matching vests together was making Quentin's brain short-circuit. Eliot must have sensed it, because he unbuttoned the top of his before giving Quentin's shoulder a squeeze.

"Han, baby, you aren't with Leia anymore. You two haven't been together in a while."

Han was hesitating. Quentin couldn't figure out why. Lando put his hands on Han's hips. That soft touch was all it took for Han to spin around and embrace him. It looked like there was a lot he was trying to say with that hug.

"Hey, we don't have to decide anything right now,” said Lando. “I don't care if we hop into the _Falcon_ and fly to the end of the galaxy. Duty be damned. Just you and me."

"And Chewie," Han said.

"Well sure. We need someone to pilot the _Falcon._ "

Even Aragorn seemed to have gotten caught up in how romantic this was. He had his hand on Legolas’ thigh, and Legolas was leaning into him with a wistful look on his face. Quentin couldn’t help himself.

“Hey, so, are you two um? And Arwen, then? Um…” He thought better of it, but it was too late.

Aragorn looked at him. “The three of us have a very pleasant understanding,” he said.

“Yes, very pleasant,” said Legolas, leaning on his shoulder.

Well, that cleared that up, didn’t it?

“I’m the only one who gets to collect on that bet,” smirked Eliot, under his breath.

Quentin turned to Eliot. “Did you notice that there’s an awful lot of MMF throuple energy going on here?”

“Well, why not,” he said, smiling knowingly at Quentin, “it is a formula that’s worked beautifully at least once.”

How could Quentin ever be mad at Eliot, when he said things like that? “Yeah it has, hasn’t it?” he asked. “But El, you know I only ship _you_ now. You’re all I want.”

And at that, they were kissing. And kissing. And kissing… this was some really good kissing…

Han Solo’s voice interrupted, “Wait, you two have a spaceship, too?”

“Han,” said Lando.

Harry Potter cleared his throat. “If they don’t have a spaceship, they definitely need to get a room.”

Quentin ignored them. He was too busy kissing the man he was going to marry, but he stopped for a second: “I don’t care. I just want to marry you, El.”

“In that case,” called out Eliot, breathlessly between kisses, “you’re all invited!”

 

IV.

 

Quentin shot awake in bed. Sunlight was peeking through the blinds. Eliot was rising beside him. _What the fuck?_

"Eliot?" His eyes focused as Eliot was stretching. He mumbled something. Eliot was so cute in the morning. Quentin felt his chest flutter. He smiled at his sleepy-faced fiance.

"I had the strangest dream," Eliot said through a heavy yawn.

"So did I. We were in therapy with fictional characters."

"Every fictional character you've ever wanted to bang?" Eliot asked.

"Actually, yeah, kind of. Did we have the same dream?"

"It was a spell, dickholes," said Margo pushing the door open. Julia followed her into the room, she handed Quentin and Eliot cups of coffee and grinned at them. 

"What? Why?" Quentin asked.

"Because you're idiots who needed to be shown that this issue you're having is stupid and you should get over yourselves."

"I know you pretty well, so I thought the best way to do it was to use your favorite ships," said Julia. 

"I never shipped Han and Lando," Quentin said.

"I totally do now," Eliot giggled. _I forgot how goofy he is in the morning._  

"Q, I've read your secret fan fiction account, yeah you do. It's ok," said Julia.

Quentin was blushing.

Eliot said, “Ok, but Harry and Ginny?”

“Yeah, well… I was thirteen,” said Quentin.

“Which one was it? Harry or Ginny?” 

“Eliot, have you met me?” asked Quentin.

“Right, sorry,” said Eliot, gulping his coffee to keep from laughing. “Both.”

"I don't really get Spock and Uhura, though. I never saw them together," said Quentin.

"That may have been me," said Eliot, snatching Quentin's coffee. "They were together in the reboot. The Kelvin timeline. That one director with the glasses you like."

"J.J. Abrams?" 

"Yes, him. Although in my case, I guess you could say it was more of an academic interest."

“Babe,” said Quentin, “it’s ok to get caught up in a weird outsider romance. Have you been to Fillory?”

"The point is that you two need to compromise on this wedding or not get married at all."

"Oh no. No. No. _No._ El, I love you. We are _definitely_ getting married."

"I think we should have two ceremonies. One small one here with just friends and family, and a large celebration Fillorian style, when you’re ready. Maybe a ball or a dinner, then we can leave the party and I take you in a giant feathery bed."

"That actually sounds really nice, but change one thing?"

"What's that?"

"Instead of staying in the castle could we _finally_ go on that boat quest?"

"Yes."

"Good, because I was really looking forward to convincing you to spend the rest of our lives together on the Muntjac."

"Well now you can."

"Let's just move there," Quentin suggested.

Eliot grinned when he cupped Quentin's face, but it was Quentin who kissed him. It was Quentin who shooed Julia and Margo from the room. It was Eliot who did the spell to close the blinds.  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This work was particularly difficult to write. But I could not do it without the help of Allegeria23. She has been my rock and my beta throughout this entire journey and I am eternally grateful she chose me! Shes just absolutely amazing. Thank you. Thank you.


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